Letter to William Gordon
Letter 99 To William Gordon
Christ's Ways Misunderstood -His Increasing Kindness
-Spiritual Delicacy -Hard to be Dead to the World
Honoured and Dear
Brother,
Grace, mercy, and peace be to you. I received your letter, which
refreshed my soul. I thank God that the court is closed ; I think shame of my
part of it. I pass now from my unjust summons of unkindness libelled against
Christ my Lord. He is not such a Lord and Master as I took Him to be; verily He
is God, and I am dust and ashes. I took Christ's obscurity to be as good as
Scripture speaking wrath; but I have seen the other side of Christ, and the
white side of His cross now.
It was necessary to come to Aberdeen to learn
a new mystery in Christ, that His promise is better to be believed than His
looks , and that the devil can cause Christ's obscurity to speak a lie to a
weak man. Nay, verily, I was a child before; all that happened before was but
child's play. I would that I could begin to be a Christian in sad earnest. I
need not blame Christ if I be not one, for He has showed me heaven and hell in
Aberdeen.
But the truth is, for all my sorrow, Christ is nothing in my
debt, for comforts have refreshed my soul. I have heard and seen Him in His
sweetness, so as I am almost saying, it is not He that I was wont to meet with.
He smiles more cheerfully, His kisses are more sweet and soul-refreshing than
the kisses of the Christ I saw before were, though He be the same. Or rather,
the King has led me up to a measure of joy and communion with my Bridegroom
that I never attained to before, so that often I think that I will neither
borrow nor lend with this world. I will not strike sail to crosses, nor flatter
them to be quit of them, as I have done. Come all crosses, welcome, welcome! so
that I may get my heart full of my Lord Jesus. I have been so near Him, that I
have said, "I truly know that this is the Lord. Leave a token behind, that I
may never forget this."
Now, what can Christ do more to caress one of His
poor prisoners? Therefore, Sir, I charge you in the name of my Lord Jesus,
praise with me, and show to others what He has done in my soul. This is the
fruit of my sufferings, that I desire Christ's name may be spread abroad in
this kingdom, in my behalf. I hope in God not to slander Him again. Yet in
this, I get not my feasts without some mixture of gall; neither am I free of
old jealousies, for He has removed my lovers and friends far from me; He has
made my congregation desolate, and taken away my crown. And my dumb Sabbaths
are like a stone tied to a bird's foot, that lacks not wings, they seem to
hinder me to fly, were it not that I dare not say one word, but, "Well done,
Lord Jesus."
We can, in our prosperity, joke with ourselves, and be too
disrespectful with Christ; yea, be that insolent, as to chide with Him; but
under the water we dare not speak. I wonder now of my sometime boldness, to
chide and quarrel with Christ, to nickname providence when it stroked me
against the hair; for now, swimming in the waters, I think my will is fallen to
the bottom of the pool: I have lost it. I think that I would prefer to let
Christ alone, and give Him leave to do with me what He pleases, if He would
smile upon me. Verily, we know not what an evil it is to run and indulge
ourselves, and to make an idol of our will. Once that I would not eat except I
had my dainty delicacies; now I dare not complain of the crumbs and parings
under His table. I was once that I would stir up the entire house, if I saw not
the world carved and set in order to my liking; now I am silent when I see God
has set servants on horseback, and is fattening and feeding the children of
perdition. I pray God, that I may never find my will again. Oh, if Christ would
subject my will to His, and trample it under His feet, and liberate me from
that lawless lord!
Now, Sir, in your youth you must grow rapidly; your sun
will mount to the meridian quickly, and thereafter decline. Be greedy of grace.
Study above anything, my dear brother, to mortify your lusts. Oh, but pride of
youth, vanity, lusts, idolizing of the world, and charming pleasures, it takes
a long time to root them out! As far as you are advanced in the way to heaven,
as near as you are to Christ, as much progress as you have made in the way of
mortification, you will find that you are far behind, and have most of your
work before you. I never took it to be so hard to be dead to my lusts and to
this world. When the day of visitation comes, and your old idols come weeping
about you, you will have much ado not to break your heart. It is best to give
them up early, so that you could in an instant leave your part of this world
for a drink of water, or a thing of nothing. Verily I have seen the best of
this world, a moth-eaten, threadbare coat: I purpose to lay it aside, being now
old and full of holes. O for my house above, not made with hands! Pray for
Christ's prisoner; and write to me. Remember my love to your mother. Desire
her, from me, to make ready for removing; the Lord's tide will not bide her;
and to seek an heavenly mind, that her heart may be often there.
Grace be
with you.
Yours, and Christ's prisoner,
S. R. Aberdeen, Feb. 20, 1637.